I am not going to use periods at the end of my sentences because my keyboard is fucked unless its a ! or , other than that we are fucking screwed

So much as happened in these past, who knows how long its been,
all i know is that the stress i cause my significant other and on myself is surely a sign, no ! it is evidence that i have mental illness, from the mouth of the man who loves me, i know now that i am truely a unhappy person,,, boo fucking hooo
I live in this new house my parents have rented out and now actually is getting kicked out because my father can not afford the rent, he could easily afford the rent but he keeps losing his amazing jobs as head of corporations working with computers and getting about 60 to 50 an hour,,, they say its because its the economy but as fast as he can get a job he loses it, my poor dad i just wish he could snap out of this depression, then again it is a sad realization to know that the most immature and selfish people that my brother and i have known are our parents,
My brother got really wasted last night and hugged me, it was a weird experience because we never hug, and he cried and said that he is scared, and that he is taking his son and his wife (one of my best friends ) away and is going into the navy, here is another guzman who is so promising with words more than actions, and it is heartbreaking,
He cannot get a job because he has to watch his son of one year,,, So he plays Mr mom as Amy goes to work, i hope the best for them
as soon as david and i got kicked out of the apartment due to wrestling with my mother to the ground as we punched and kicked each other, she was wearing these boots that had spikes for heals and she was kicking my sides like nothing, so the neighbors and the manager told us to get out, my dear sweet put together, good credit score, owns his own car david was mortified and like most of the fights that have almost ended our relationship this one was one that i could not look at him with, i knew that i was on the brink of loosing him, He moved in with his mother and i moved with my parents to this house, then david and i both enrolled into some classes at mount sac, a community college that is filled to the brim with asians, We always fight and i feel more needy than ever, we have called it quits many times, yet i dig my claws deep into him, thus ending his normal life into something that could possibly be more, i have been abusive and derranged and yet i am completely lose with and with out him, i find my self more jealous and suspicious and i dont know what is wrong with me, i cling on to him as if i have been thrown over board in the middle of the ocean and hes my only life preserver and saftey until some one or something comes and picks me up, i have never been this pathetic, he knows this and i know this, yet he is constantly letting my back into his arms, i am a very very troubled girl/woman and i see it more than ever, its funny after partying and trying to be a responsible adult i still find some way to fuck things up, so much so that a person who has fallen for me is made into stone because of my sad and horrible actions, Yet i do not cheat, and i do not hate him but i say things that are terrible and i can get really violent, never did i think that i would ever be like this to the one that i love and cherished,
Next thursday i will be moving in with him, he got an apartment and we are both scared and it is because of what i might do, god help me i am crazy,
he says that it always feels like im always hostle and shit i am, i have repressed anger deep in myself from years of a selfish drunk mother and a father who is there but not really, you know hes in the room but if you need anything from these people, a pair of paints, gas money, food, dont ask, but if you need some boose then party on!
After i was certified as a cna and pt aide and what have you, i got a job at a senior living facility and became certified as a med tech, i pass out medications and assist the poor old people, and it can get very messy, david is a respitory aide and is going to go to school as a respitory therapist soon, i am a little nervous because i need to futher my education but it will be hard due to the fact that i dont really get paid much at all, i dont know why i feel this way, but i almost feel as if that my family as well as david and i are struggling the most out of everyone, i dont get it at all, and i think that i have an ucler, and my eating habits are screwy, one day i will not eat anything, well for about 2 days and then i'll eat a little something but with david and our relationship almost dying and my family almost fading out into a depressed state, i am on the edgest of edge, and davids grandmother is dying and that is stressing him out and i dont know how to make him feel better when i always put him in a bad mood for stupid things i say, i know he is trying because we love each other but really i can see that he is giving up, its so scary, i just want us to be happy, what is that so difficult?! why do i feel like i have to cling on to him soo much, its sooooo annoying, and i can see that he wants his space soo much, god, i wish i had more friends, i wish i had money, god please i know i am a good person, sure i look as if i have low self esteme but im actually a person with too much ego, oh no,,,, maybe this is what i need, its a sign that my shit stinks and that i need to calm the fuck down, damn you brain shut up, the older i get the crazier i get dear god david is with a sick sick woman god help us!

i feel like im just waiting around for david, and i know i shouldnt do this, but i just feel like i dont seem him and when we do its for short periods of time, and i just feel like i am on the brink of insanity and i know that this is just the begining of it all
oh david, i dont know,,,,

pardon the horrible spelling

I was so fucking jealous of her. Everything about her I was jealous of, the life she lived, to the job she had,her apartment, her body, her tattoos, her cool friends that all dressed in the same style as her, her fucking hair, the places she had gone, to the fucking little pets she owned. She always had beautiful men around her, and some how could manage to find them and then leave them crushed and broken crying for her to come back. Not to mention her personality was that of overly, epic coolness. I get so tired of mentally judging by saying cool, that I felt like she wasn't even human, she had to be fake. No she was fake. I looked at her pictures of her art and her travels as I chewed some skittles bubble gum that lost flavor about an hour ago, but the need to clench my teeth, to grind my teeth together in a very jealous way at the the very sight of my old friend and her immortal coolness. The flavorless masticated piece was just a little to alleviate the shame I felt. It seemed when I would check on her myspace every now and then her life had evolved to a coolness reached ten fold and then some. Here I am 24, jobless, stuck in my room all day. No friends, no decent food, parents that dont work themselves, complaining everyday. In comparison to her I was fucking lame and very much pathetic. That is if I could even be compared to her. I once thought in my life that her and I were on the same level of dopeness.... we shared the same love for things, the same sarcastic, dont care about shit because we dont need to attitude, but here I am and there she was..... I felt so ....lame....so old.... so not with "it". The thought that I was actually upset by her, by the fact that I didnt think of myself "cool" so to speak made me even more sicked by this feeling.
And for a moment I felt like the people, myself, my life, my personality was keeping me from obtaining this goal of almost free lifestyle that I knew I would achieve.
I want to travel, I want to live free, have cool sophisticated parties with people of the same kind of taste, talk about things that only we had in common. Be almost elitist but in a very relaxed way, not a horrible stuck up way. I wanted to be that girl that everyone wanted to be around. Have no emotional problems, laugh with my fun boyfriend.
And even though my life wasnt horrible, even though I wasnt suffering, even though I have done some "cool" things in my life, I felt like this feeling to get out there and do what ever I wanted (in a responsible way) would never happen. I would never have cool close friends who would want to agree to go to england or alaska with me, or even plan something like that with me.
The girl I was jealous of used to keep in touch with me, but out of pure shame that I couldnt keep up with her coolness, I never tried to stay in the picture. She still wanted to hang out, she still tried to leave messages
Other good friends like her that are just as cool try to hard to contact me and I just feel so lame and useless that I almost feel like picking up my bags and starting some where new....
but that would require BALLZ, MONEY, NO CONNECTION TO THE ONES I LOVE.....

blah

And the realization that things will never change.


 
I have counted 5 gray........correction, 5 WHITE HAIRS in my black hair.

 I have naturally brown/ medium brown hair and I recently dyed my hair black, well about 3 months recently.
 
 And there they are.


  I have a nice hand around my throat squeezing on me called my parents.

 I dont like being alone and I get very attached to people


  Everyone who sees me thinks i am a 16 year old.
  I guess that works to my advantage

 yet I can see it in my face.

 The small lines, the oily skin going away yet more break outs.

  Age is something  I knew would happen but
 at 24 never did I expect to see those tiny hairs, almost like small strands reminding me of my life's count down.

Did I mention I have no degree under my belt and probably all together 2 years of work .


 So many things so many paralizing things.

Not to mention I am furthering my youthful appearance by reading the twilight books. Because my soon to be hubby's mom wants me to....

I always been a slave.
 I guess when you try to be nice people will always take advantage.

Well its not that bad but I mean I guess I could have said no

but some people dont know what that word is.


Only one word comes to mind

Pathetic. That is what I am.

 As I was in denial as I mourned the loss of my life.
Now I have accepted the fact that I will not be something that I thought could be.

 I will not be president

nor the presidents assassin
I will be the one picking up the debris after the inauguration.



Now I have to go to wall mart with my mother

ADDICTION

"Debate over health issues
Sister project Wikinews has related news: Fizzy drinks out of New Zealand schools from 2009

The most commonly distributed version of Diet Coke (and majority of beverages using artificial sweeteners) relies on Aspartame, which has been blamed by some scientists and medical professionals for possibly causing serious illnesses (such as cancer, brain tumors, brain lesions, and lymphoma) when consumed in large quantities[2][3]. One of the chemicals produced by aspartame after ingestion is methanol.[4][5] It should be noted that Coca-Cola has now released Diet Coke sweetened with sucralose (also known as Splenda), although it is not as common. See also soft drink controversy.

Also, the sodium benzoate was found to break down mitochondrial DNA in living yeast cells.[6] Research published in 2007 for the British government's Food Standards Agency suggests that sodium benzoate]] (E211) is linked to hyperactive behavior and decreased intelligence in children.

[edit] Ingredients

The ingredients in Diet Coke (as formulated in the United States), listed in order of greatest to least amount:

* Carbonated water
* Caramel color
* Aspartame
* Phosphoric acid
* Potassium benzoate (to protect taste)
* Natural flavors
* Citric acid
* Caffeine"


This picture is so erotic, massaging my addiction.... I tried to kick the habit...but im no good baby...with out you.

Youre so debilitating.








ADDICTION

INTERNET AND ALL THOSE DAMN WEBSITE THAT COME WITH IT








Turing my life into a big giant mess!!
AND THEN BRINGING THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME INTO THE FIRE






Dirty dirty time
with or with out partner








Vampires , sexy raping vampires







There is something different about my ways

I dont know what it is

but Ive asked people to pray for me


will you?



kjadfkjadskfjs





mmm vampires

but it makes a little sense now

<div align="center"> <br><img src="http://images.similarminds.com/leader/5.jpg"><br><a href="http://similarminds.com/othertests.html">What Famous Leader Are You?</a><br><font size="1"><a href="http://similarminds.com">personality tests by similarminds.com</a></font></div>

well thats better than when i got Hitler.


<center><table bordercolor="#333333" border="0" width="183" cellspacing="0"> <tr><td align="center" bgcolor="#666666"> <font color="#CCCCCC" > <b>I have issues with...</b></font></td></tr> <tr><td align="center" bgcolor="#999999"><font color="#ffffff">intelligence<br> discipline<br> honesty<br> mother <br>work<br></font></td> </tr></table> <a href="http://similarminds.com/">Take Word Association Test</a></center>

ISTPs value privacy and sometimes keep important issues to themselves. Their concern for the present moment and their inability to recognize the importance of setting goals, often leads them into conflict with authority. Being action-oriented, ISTPs react against restrictions — which typically causes the controls placed on them to increase. In these situations, boredom can quickly set in and the ISTP may experience feelings of internal emptiness. Overly regulated situations cause ISTPs stress. In such situations, ISTPs either attempt to flee or turn to fight their adversary face-to-face.

The ISTP's form of retaliation can be characterized as defiling what other people value. The ISTP violates rules and regulations that protect individual rights in retaliation for the lost opportunities and freedom that the ISTP believes they have had to endure. Getting even stimulates them and a renewed sense of excitement emerges from the risks of revenge and the expression of outrage. If stress continues, ISTPs will put what remaining freedom they have left in jeopardy by rebelling further.
Careers

This lists represent careers and jobs people of your type tend to enjoy doing. The job requirements are similar to the personality tendencies of your personality type. It is important to remember that this is not a list of all the jobs possible. And it is very important to remember that people can, and frequently do, fill jobs that are dissimilar to their personality... this happens all the time...and sometimes works out quite well.

surveyor
fire fighter
private investigator
pilot
police officer
purchasing agent
chiropractor
medical technician
securities analyst
computer repair person
race car driver
computer programmer
electrical engineer
legal secretary
coach/trainer
commercial artist
carpenter
paralegal
dental assistant
radiological technician
marine biologist
software developer

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=123471]What Animal are You?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=123471][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2009/01/01/full_272242735.jpg[/img][/url]
Hyena You are a hyena. You have great stamina and work well together with others. You usually vocalize your thoughts and feelings, and are very intelligent. You're bold and tend to go with the flow, fearlessly wondering what's ahead.

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=123186]What kind of friend do you need?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=123186][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/30/full_763593650.jpg[/img][/url]
Soulmate You obviously need a best friend to whom you could trust your every secret without fearing someone else will hear it. Someone that will always be there for you, help you and with who you will never be bored.

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=123137]What style of Japanese street fashion are you?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=123137][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/29/full_898773016.jpg[/img][/url]
Visual Kei A darker type of look that goes with the genre of music. It's a style that stands out and can vary from looking feminine or masculine and always has a statement to say.






lol

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=123059]Which movie rating are you[/url]

My Results:

G you are made for little kids and teach people a lesson in the end




[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=122738]Which Simpsons character are you?[/url]

My Results:

C.Krusty the Clown Unfortunately, you are Krusty. The lame TV clown. With the worst haircut. And clothes. x


[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=122490]What kind of guy do you go for? (for girls)[/url]

My Results:

The Goth You know that kid that always wears black and has too many problems with everyone? You like him. Yay.


poo

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=122222]What Disney Princess Are You?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=122222][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/22/full_504113714.jpg[/img][/url]
Belle You love to read, and would do anything for your family


[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=122140]What Fantasy Fairy are you?[/url]

My Results:

You are fire fairy You know how to control fire and use it for good




wtfug

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121973]What type of top are you?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121973][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/20/full_321732327.jpg[/img][/url]
Strap less top You either have amayzing confidence or a confidence issue.You are mean or a little nice.



duhz

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121710]What made-up animal are you?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121710][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/18/full_871571374.jpg[/img][/url]
Dragon You are the dragon. You are very strong. Sometimes you show mercy, but it's rare to see that. You never back down from a fight, and you kill most of your enemies. You work alone.


eww

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121827]Which twilight character are you? Pt. 2[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121827][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/19/full_487312818.jpg[/img][/url]
Bella Swan You are very clumsy but, well clumsy and lucky



gay
[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121751]What is your element?
[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121751][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/19/full_172292893.jpg[/img][/url]
Ice/Snow You are the element Ice. You are a loner, and will tend to be frosty to whoever who approaches you. You have the ability to freeze.


nice
[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121525]Which Legendary Soul Reaper are You?[/url]

My Results:

Macora Congratulations!!!!  You are The Legendary Soul Reaper Macora, trained in the art of darkness. You are one of the most feared beings in the universe.  You hold the title of The Almighty Lord of Darkness.




[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121423]Which Joker are You?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121423][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/16/full_175193550.jpg[/img][/url]
Heath Joker You are most like him



tan is the new yellow i guess
[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121088]What Color Wolf Are You?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121088][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/14/full_727912754.jpg[/img][/url]
Tan You are fun and carefree! You do whatever you want and think nothing of it!



damn straight

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=121089]Does Your Boyfriend Really Like You?[/url]

My Results:

He is your true love To him you are his princess. Things will just get better and better. Don't listen to the rumors, he is your prince charming. Nothing will come between you. Lucky You!



i am not like a killing ginger damn it!
[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=120859]Do You Know the Show Dexter?[/url]

My Results:

Your Score: 100% - A Excellent, you are a true fan of Dexter and may think that you yourself are slightly like Dexter



loll

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=120816]What brand of evil are you?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=120816][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/12/full_249054019.jpg[/img][/url]
The Seductress/Seducer Well liked by the public above all other forms of evil, you are one of the hardest forms of evil to defeat. You have very little or no brute power, but you don't need it. You have mooks to do your dirty work for you.

Be wary of eunuchs and asexuals.










lolzen


[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=122381]Which Family Matters character are you?[/url]

My Results:

[url=http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?action=go_detail&sub_action=take&obj_id=122381][img]http://www.youthink.com/images_quiz/2008/12/23/full_822841283.jpg[/img][/url]
Myrtle Urkle You are annoying and no one likes you. You love someone who hates you yet there are rare occasions when he/she feels bad for you.


[

Ive come to the ripe age of 24 and I feel as if I am older. If not older I am at least 55 in bitter years. That is the thing about certain events that happen in your life, just an ounce of the sour stuff will impact your choices for a long time.
I looked at him today as he left the shower, now he is a well cleaned man, but was it just my constant paranoia or was he trying to look good? Jesus, already I can hear him say to me "Oh you're so jealous" but that's the thing, when you work long hours and Im not exactly there for you I can understand a persons eye to wander a little away.
Again I can here him say "Oh ok, so is that what you believe?" No its not but I mean it happens even to good people, not to say that all people who desire some one else when they are in a relationship good people, but I mean thats the thing about nature, and of course the silly thing about human nature. Which I must say how much I really cant stand human nature. Nature its self is beautiful and raw, and I guess you can say the same about human nature, but the nature of human isnt natural at all. We have evolved into lying and cold people.
But he isnt cold, not David. He is very warm, and that is why I get a little paranoid some times because people gravitate to him. Again he would say "So, people love you! They dont even look at me when you are around." Yeah about that, I never understood that. And to be honest I dont want them talking to me more. I have some how found a way to alienate myself from everyone. Not on purpose. I do try to get along with people. They always say Im funny and cool. But then I guess I reverse back to a stranger. That isnt what I want and I dont know why I do that. Or maybe Im not supposed to have long term friends, but just acquaintances instead.

I guess im really not supposed to be close to anybody. Im currently trying that out on a deeper level in the relationship department, well not so much deeper but in a different light. Whatever light it is in, I have noticed that my efforts are being constantly told not good enough. I am being reminded that I am an asshole. I am being reminded that I am still hurting him. I always tell him hes too sensitive but then again I am an angry person. He says im always on edge around him. I always am mean. But I think back and i realize that that is they way i have always been. A smart asses, sarcastic, crazy, live in the moment type of person. And what better way for myself to experience a person with a complete different attitude. It is maddening. I have always had an open mind to peoples thoughts, but his are just retarded some times. He thinks that he can confront people with problems and after talking about it it will go away. Yeah thats a beautiful way of thinking but Ive tried that my whole life and realized that nothing really goes away.

I hate being insecure. I hate who I am and where I am. Hate is a strong word true and it is blackening me. I am so rude with him. Where did all this anger come from?
But in all fairness David, you do say and do a lot of fucking stupid things.
And that is why I get so agitated. Like a rash on my arm that I have to scratch! But of course that doesnt help now does it? My scratching just gets worse and I become more irritated...
I love you damn it. And i am insecure, but please know that regardless of being dumb or being angry or being to positive or being overly dramatic I want you panda. Even if I didn't include you in an private essay until the last sentence.
I know you look at other girls and say you dont, again that is human nature you know my bestfriend. I know my parents are killing us, and I know that my anger isnt sexy but damn it
im better than anyone else!
And I know what that poop face would say "I know Danielle I love you"
And i will get mad and feel stupid again....
damn it panda damn it.


=============================

Im Not There

interesting movie.

Can some one explain it all for me? I get the idea but I dont know am I missing something here?
I am going to watch the extra stuff on the dvd now.

Why do you make things so visually Delicious?









ramble on nugga




So this years resolution theme is going to be "Deal wit it !" Meaning I am going to deal with what i have and work with it.
Now in the past I admit, I always ran away. Regardless of what it was, I ran, and i ran so far away.

BUT THIS YEAR IS A YEAR OF TRUE CELEBRATION BECAUSE I NOW HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THE BEAST WITH IN!
So instead of running away from myself and the people who love and enable me, I will stand my ground and work with myself.

I am a mess, but I can be a more put together mess once I get a little more whats the word....i dont know I have lost my train of thought, which is ok because that is who I am, and I will better it, but if along the road I find that I cannot change sudden farts from my brain I will not hate myself, or beat myself up..or the oh so famous drink my problems away.
I will instead take it with a grain of salt and say "you know what I brain fart, and that is ok"
I seems in the past the people I was around didnt like me, and to be honest I never really liked myself, this year is the year where now I do have the time and brain cells and gas to accept what is to be accepted and move on. I guess with the coming of age and sudden stints of anxiety as the clock reaches 12 I have to realize what I can actually obtain with in the (disgusting word comming up ) grips (not that word) of reality (there it is!) and understand that even though I will never find life on mars with David Bowie and ride Unicorns with Dr. Zaus from Planet of the Apes, I can however reach Planet awesome with David Fresquez and Ride to my future job as a nurse with Dr.San Antonio.
I have also learned that although telling the truth is the best policy, a fib here or there about my current where abouts to certain maternal figures isnt too bad.
Hell a lie here or there isnt bad, its not like Im killing anyone.
Unless the lie is about say, I dismemberment a gay male who worked at target with one of my samurai swords and I stole his credit card and bought an X box 360 and a backpack to hide out in the woods.
Now that would be horrible.
But I also realized with a slow handle of reality, a lot of things are fucked up and I think I have earned the title now being 24, that I can say "that sucks" and move on.
That doesn't however get my involvement from certain animal and human rights that I kinda fight for as I sign petitions and talk to senators by email, Yeah its not much but I try to get involved some how.
I also realized that masturbation is amazing, unless you do it more than 2 times a day because then it gets a little more painful and very time consuming.




Unicorns and meow meowz

danie kat

  a mirror of flesh color lines,
 to wish to yourself were white like old times
 that caked on make up running down the face
giving yourself the illusion of health and responsibility
tomorrow will be the day

        Dismiss your aching and pencil in stability , try not to have an objective of reality,
 

eg4tjaq3tjwgaqjretqeorijtuqowierjgu0wejgei5jt34jtug

Spell check for the following:

Torchure
Manipulasion


Piromania

embezelment


moral stipulasion




writing a ransom letter is rather hard when you cant spell!
Especially when its in the victims blood.

My dad got evicted and is now living with me and david and my mother.
I helped clean up the apartment today and got the stuff into my apartment....
wow and i thought my apartment was dirty

My mother and dad separated and now are living together again in a smaller space with more cats, more rules and more stress.

Dude,I just hope they dont pull the dysfunctional card like they used to in the olden days when saying excuse me was throwing a beer bottle at each other.


This really isnt a good idea.

So i am in my small room hiding just incase....kinda like in high school

Ok dad dont get to crazy tonite

mom i know u are going to sleep with dad tonite

but please dont be too loud with the sex


........i know

ewwwwwwww



Im just glad my dad have some good money on him. If he didnt then id have to pay some of my rent.

David and I are going to move to Redlands soon. I hope

I really cant stand upland




at

alllllllll.





I'll sail to the moon.







Last Monday I went to the bar with my mom brother and Amy. Amy and I were already on shakey ground with each other seeing how she detests my boyfriend with a bitchy, evil, cold passion.
So things were doing ok, then we sat down and that was when the claw and daggers came out.
We all went to another bar and then Amy said what she really felt and so did I . I started to cry and walked home in the rain. What the fuck ever.

Did i mention they left my drunk mom at the bar? She got a ride home from a complete stranger.

I love my family.


I guess my family thinks that I am a basket case and david is a fag. Oh and I dont love my nephew.

Merry Christmas.


So tonight I just pray my mom and dad play it cool.

This is so weird, not living with my parents and now they are HERE!

DUUUUUUDE.


I thought I was trying to get away from crazy family

chi-wienie!


a Chihuahua and a wiener dog!

Tonite I see my brothers up close and live for the first time.

I pray to god that

1. The pain isnt there when i get there
2. I meet Stella

3. I take lots of pictures




For right now the pain has subsided, but I worry ....
and that seems the theme as of late,
always worried to go places due to this pain
my mom says i need to go to a doctor.
And shes right....If i had money

this pain though is possibly worth falling into a well of debt.
I think....

To get better, but to get financially worse
is almost as scary as the pain Ive been having


My mom has left to the mall, she looked like she was crying

I worry about her....

all the time


I just want every ones pain to go away

I registered for a class the other day, I still haven't got my books, BECAUSE IM BROKE


Then again, I should have kept my job and not throw a heavy burden on Panda. Poor Panda. I should get another job not just for myself, but for all those women who do not work or cant, for all those men who still believe the stereo type that women are just there to bang and fix something to eat.... Speaking of which I wonder if my mom is going to cook some food....

Where was I? Then again where wasn't I
Furthermore to cut the small talk, where have I always been, running into dead ends, or dead beginnings because as soon as I proclaim to go forth thing begin to end. For the worse, and of course never for the better, but only for the bitter end. Speaking
of ends

This morning my stomach became super bloat bros. and I had to emancipate, if you will, my shite into a porcelain bowl . Of course I do not mean any random porcelain bowl because the last time that happened my mother was not too happy.

ON TO OTHA BROTHA THANGS

I was looking through bills and what not to the side of my bed and came across a few pictures. Praying that I didnt open any old photos of David (panda pants) and his deliciously evil EX, I found old pictures from last new years party. It was our first new years party and it was very va va voom. Too much sexy I couldnt stop my fingers going to my happy button and pressing until climax.
David has and always will be sexy, those pictures inspired many thoughts of happiness and possible marriage, of course i joke about the marriage part, unless i can marry Mochi my kitty!

Where is my mind? Where is the jobs, where is my vagina....oh ... thats right
in a jar next to the very stench of pain and burning.
I have been in severe pain from a bladder whatever....because i have taken a lot of meds, so in conclusion
I DO NOT FOR THE RECORD
HAVE THE FOLLOWING
GONORRHEA
SYPHILIS
PUBIC LICE
TOYS LEFT IN MY ARSE

but possibly herpies... thanks david.


SO IF YOU HAVE BEEN IN MY PAST, STRIKE ALL OF THEE ABOVE FROM THE LIST.

RED INK THROUGH THE LETTERS, DOESN'T IT FEEL SO GO STRIKE THAT DOUBT FROM THE RECORD?

I fucking miss David. NO i did not mean I fucking Miss.David. THAT. IZ. SO WRONG BUDDY.

But i do miss him which is weird because i usually am mad at him for something
which is retarded because he is super nice and just paid my half of the rent

I know girls hes a keeper.
I love his wiener too, im not joking..
And you men with your fucking dick-insecurities dont cause, if she wants wiener than she will like it. Annndddddd If my vagina was still with me I could have some right now...well
I mean david and i could do some dirty deeds.
But then again david doesnt need a vag to satisfy his monster.... he can go other routes...
that arent really my thing but
A FOR EFFORT RIGHT?! I hope that is what the A stands for.... heh heh


I GOT MY LICENSE BACK YAY!!!

AFTER LIKE 3- 4 YEARS OF DRIVING ILLEGALLY, ERR NOT DRIVING, DUE TO A
HORRIBLE DUI THAT WAS HORRIBLE AND EXPENSIVE , I CAN FINALLY DRIVE!!
NOW I JUST NEED TO WAIT ANOTHER 5-6 YEARS AND THE CHARGE WILL BE WIPED FROM MY RECORD

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Ive come a long way :)

Oh and i get to STELLA THIS SATURDAY, I AM SERIOUSLY SO HAPPY !!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAVID BOUGHT ME THE TICKETS AND I WAS THRILLED TO THE BONE(r)!!!!!!!!!

I WILL THANK HIM WITH A LOVE AND RAINBOW FILLED HIGHFIVEKISSFUCKINGLOVINGTOUCINGBOOBSASSANDHOTSEXYGREATTIMEOHYEAHMMMMBABY
FUCKYEAHSODIRTYIMTURINGMYSELF
ONAGAIN


love and respect,
DR. MARTIN Luther King JR.
(aka Danielle)

So bladder infections got the best of me!!!! ARRGHGHGHHG

I had this weird dream that I was at the beach with some of my friends from Washington State that i havent seen in a while. So i was all "dude ims gonna show ye a good time!" They were all excited and what not. So the first place we went was some Mexican fair , there was this little house (i think it was an exhibit or something) and i hide in it. I guess some one was living in it because there was a bed and a lot clothes on the ground. I started looking through everything thing. I think I wanted to steal a lot of the shit. Then over to the side of the bed on top of an old ironing board was like 20 really interesting looking kittens. They all had this weird leopard design and were soo fuckin cute!!! They all were different colors too, like one was copper one was gray and I think one was green or some shit, but they were soo awesome!! I picked up like 5 of them and were all like "Im gonna take you home kitties and we are gonna be so happy!".
My friends ran around the corner and saw me playing with the kittens. One of my friend yelled at me for messing with the exhibit and warned us if we dont leave than the people might kick us out. I was all "FUCK YOU! I WANT A KITTEN!!" So all my friends and my mom who came out of no where walked away from me and were talking shit about me. Then this old Mexican lady started to set up mexican food in the room and all these mexican people started to dance and stuff, they were drinking beers and saw that i was hiding with the kittens. The old lady asked me if I wanted some food and told me that she wasnt giving away the kittens but that I could keep a shirt from her room! YAY!! Then my friends and i looked through her closet and saw all these skanky clothes, we were all like "WOW THESE CLOTHES ARE SEXY LETS GO TO HOLLYWOOD!!!!"
So we left and I told them about this bar that was all rocky horror picture show themed and would be perfect for what we were wearing. We some how were covered in ocean water walking down a dark alley way, we were so uncomfortable in our slut gear. Then this lady opened the door, she looked like Sharon Stone but way dyker! She was all "are all of you 21?!" We replied ," OF COURSE!" I then shouted "IM 24 AND EVERYONE THINKS IM 16!!!!" She then said "GET IN FAST YOU DONT WANT TO GET RAPED IN THIS ALLEY WAY!!!" So we climbed some stairs and were still uncomfortable and wet and sandy in our vinyl and cotton. The bar was really dark and kinda looked like something from Batman. Behind the bar she laid on a piano and a short man was playing. He looked a lot like Penguin! Then all these weird people came in and we were all partying, then i kid you not, the Joker came in all crazy and everyone kicked him out. We were all scared because we was going on a murdering spree in hollywood. Then i woke up

PRETTY TRIPPY!!

Jeff Goldblum looks like a good lover.

I bet hes really good in bed





Hes the type of man that would kiss you and tell you that you're beautiful and shit.
He would touch you all gentle but not too gentle and would rock your world....

The next day when you wake up all naked, he wouldn't be there.

But you wouldn't get angry because you know that he is a good lover and probably has a schedule
of other women or men to screw in his soft weird way.

Every time you think back to the time he rocked your world you would get a little sad, but then smile to yourself and think he is truly an angel, with his funny quirky smile and random movies he plays in. How he totally owned Cat and Dogs,
how Earth Girls Are Easy wouldn't be the same with out him. You would also thank him being in Jurassic Park too, even though you watched the movie and child, you grew up to fall for Dr. Malcolm.
But aside from his acting that will cheer you up you think back to that wonderful night rolling around in satin sheets with him and realize that everyone should spend the night with Jeff because you deserve it as a person, because you ARE beautiful and special.
Jeff I can only imagine the love you must give to so many people from all walks of life.
Yeah, Jeff you are a good lover aren't you.
You can put yourself anywhere on or in me and I wont get mad or regret it afterward. I mean if i were single that is....

I look LIKE THE JOKER...


damn u black man at wall mart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When panda pants and I were at wall mart the other day I over heard a fucking toby (black man) tell his girl friend that i looked exactly like the "The joker" to his tob-ette! Now in normal circumstances I would be thrilled, seriously that would flatter me, because since the movie I have been trying to wear more green and purple (well those are my favorite colors any way) BUT THAT DAY NEVER!! I thought i looked pretty hot damn it!!!
I mean I am pretty self conscience about my hair since so many people gave me shit for it. Especially where I work!!! So the rest of the day was a little bit lame inside....because i could never show my out side ness! A black man will never bring me down again, i will have my vengance


and NO I AM NOT RASICIST!!! I AM FACISTS I HATE ALL RACES AND WILL ETHNICALLY CLEANSE THEM ALL FOR WHEN I RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!werwerq@#!$#$@

(I MEAN WHO DO YOU THINK IS DOING ALL THAT SHIT IN AFRICA? ME DAMNIT, ME!)

He whispered to me
in that dark cemetery

upon a moon light vigil for

the dead


"there is real evil out there,
and i am holding with in me
the very spirit of it"
and to that
i jumped back from the knife
concealed under his jacket

what was i doing there?
what was i doing there?

He cut me and he cut me
I can't believe he cut me

he went in deep
and now i am bleeding


to with the evil he spoke
of and to the life that
was flowing from me,
everything was turning black

and everything was black now,
and everything was cold
so cold

and i couldn't hear
and i couldn't feel

i wasn't scared any more
and i don't think
i was existing anymore



i awoke to soil in my
lungs,

coughing out dirt, and pushing
bodies that lay writhing on me

i couldn't remember who I was
i couldn't remember where i was

i was in a dark place with head
stones and crosses
by a man
who was whispering
and to behind me stood others
like me, confused and pale
breathless but breathing,
lifeless, yet full of life

who was that man who is that man

the man came to me, with out words,

his eyes told me the story of me,




and I am dead
and
I am reborn into evil

i cant escape his invisible chains
a servant i have become

the spell of his whispers
echoing
though no movement from his mouth





some one help


he directs out of the cemetery

kill, infest, go forth and
inseminate those who need my
evil seed

we immortalized the night as
tomorrow never happened thrown away new days

fog, darkness, impending doom, blood,
laughter tragedy,

tick tock, throw away those
clocks, this is forever

counting on all arms and hands
from which we have taken from the souls of men who believed there is no evil


we fucked, cut and raped the
holes of
purity


we did his bidding's
we did hid bidding's
we had to do his bidding's

and the night stayed and the sun never came





this was fate, and this was fate, and this was fate.

Since ive been here at San antonio community hospital for about a year and a half now, i have taken it upon myself to go to grave yard and clean all night untill early morning. As well as kicking myself in the teeth for thinking this was a fucking good idea. Jesus christ kill me now.... but this time finish the damn job and make the pain end!!!!!!!

I need a new job, because apparently scrubbing toilets, mopping floors and ect ect ect... i am failing. My lovely boss who shall not be named for well i dont know why, but anyway, thinks im the damn scum of the earth!!!!! Seriously, i have never met a man more driven to sabotage my way of life! He always has something fucked up to say. Blah balh bal;afjkdsfkgjaoisdfhugaoweht409aghjahj

the point is, does any one have a cool artsy job possibly the farthest away from House keeping and the hospital....possibly earth!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

I live, eat, breathe, shit this place now.

Drain my veins and the blood will form san antonio......

AND SO IT GOES.......




(yes i am at work right now, lunch break...good times? No. not ever.)